Stoic advice: I’m in love, and terrified to lose her

[If you wish to submit a question to Stoic advice, please use this form.]

M. writes: Recently, I’ve been very fortunate to get in a relationship with someone I fancy, respect, and empathize with, a lot. I love her, very much. So much so, every day after work, I sit down and read books about how to love better, as I try to understand this strange, yet touching feeling. I want to learn to love her, not just the feeling. The problem is, I’m extremely scared of her leaving me. In all of my past relationships, I’ve been cheated on (my ex, for example, is currently engaged with my “best friend”). So, after that, I find it incredibly hard to trust anyone. More than simply romantic relationships, my parents too, when I was young, kept threatening each other to leave/kill themselves when shit went wrong. So, as a result, I’ve developed an anxious attachment style.

This involves me constantly asking her for reassurances, sometimes, begging her to remind me that she loves me, that, she will not leave me for someone else. Now, although she’s wonderful, and understands this, it’s bothering me because I feel like I’m not spending enough time to really BE with her. I’m in my own thoughts, still stuck in the past. Yes, I know she’s not them, but it’s just so hard to trust people. I’m scared that once she goes for grad school, she will find…